Between Medicines and Supplements

This is a case about a client who delayed treatment, her sickness is getting worse and now waiting at the dying bed. Many people who believes in the Direct Sales business sometime stand a risk of the similar event. This girl was an active 'A'Direct sales dealer. When initially she felt a lump in her breast, she already suspected cancer. But she had no fear because she strongly believed that the 'A' product got all kinds of supplements which is better than western medicine because western medicine got lots of side effects.So what she did was to prescribe her own medicine, mixing all kind of vitamin pills and etc taking everyday instead of seeing a doctor. 'Don't Listen To Doctors 'the tittle of the book is some sort like that I came across in the 'A' business campaign which she proudly showed to me when she is still well. Here I don't mean to condamn about the Direct Sales business but the belief system of the people who does the direct sales business.
Firstly, these DS business employed professional motivators who can talk so well that the members would believe in the myth of the products. Most DS who has food supplement claim that their product could 'prevent' or even 'cure' the deadly disease CANCER.The story line is almost similar: Somebody already verdicts NO CURE by the doctor, after taking the products, got cured. So many ignorant people who believe in the story and join membership and pass on the myth to other people. Sometime the unlucky one who strikes in the business may strikes the deadly disease such as CANCER. This would challenge their belief system and is a time to PROVE what they believe is true. The faith in the products might go stronger because their up line friends would come to encourage them to believe in the products. So the treatment would be delayed.
Many people still cannot differentiate between Medicine and supplement. What doctors usually do during seeing a patient is giving treatment, and one of the treatment is giving medicine. Medicine is a kind of drug which contain active ingredients which can kill certain germs, bacteria or virus.Some medicine treat the symptoms such as pain killer etc. Doctors did more than giving medicine as in some cases need to do operations, transplant, chemotherapy etc. In the process of treatment doctors need to undergo investigations and observations in order to be sure of the right treatment for the disease. Though doctors also give vitamins and other supplements in between the treatments but that is only to support the treatments, and doctors know the amount to give when to give, the body mass against the dosage. Doctors had been through in the university for 5 years at least, how can he know less than an aunty who not even pass form 5, in the cases of treatment for diseases? Should you believe in the DS propaganda who is not responsible if anything goes wrong with you for taking their products?
The supplements are vital vitamins, minerals or protein which can also be found in the food we take everyday, Too much of it is a waste because the body only keep what is needed . Over dosages in the case of vitamin A can be toxic.DS company are very fond of making foul claims . They may rely on one or two cases that not really true. As in the case of my friend who suffered gout for a long time. He had been taking the medicine from the hospital routinely until he met this DS personal who claimed his product can cure his sickness. True enough after he took the product, the pain subsided. I told him the DS product might contain hidden active ingredients such steroids which also can relieve any kind of pain but overdose could be harmful. True enough after sometimes, the report about the steroid contain reveal in the newspaper. The product was forbidden.
Medicine shouldn't be taken without doctors prescription! Cause one man medicine could be another man's poison. Most products that can relief pain immediately are sure enough to contain steroid. Steroid are cheap thing but can do wonders. Not all DS company are genuine. They may not claim what is the active ingredient in the product. What they are interested in is to draw your money out from your pocket. The price you pay for the DS product is not cheap, usually is triple the price we pay outside. For example vitamin C, I paid about RM 20.00 for 100 tablets from the pharmacist whereas the DS sold me RM 75.00 for the same amount. They claim their is better. Well Vitamin C is vitamin C , how can one could be better than the other? So don't get cheated by DS company. if you are sick, see doctor immediately. Back to my client,if she get the treatment earlier, she might be able to live longer.

Instrumen Kompetensi Pemimpin Sekolah (KOMPAS©)

Instrumen Kompetensi Pemimpin Sekolah (KOMPAS©)

To Become A Counselor

Many people wish to be someone else apart from their own self. I met a group of people who undergo some courses in counseling, they wanted to practise counseling. I had a couple of friends who also claim themselves counselors after undergo some counseling sessions by a professional counselor. The process had make them think that they had qualified to become a counselor. Meeting a counselor is just like meeting a doctor, after some treatments you'll might feel better but this doesn't mean you are good enough to become a doctor yourself.
To become a counselor you need to have a basic degree in counseling. Four years in the university has a lot to learn.The syllabus covers Psychology, Philosophy, Sociology, Counseling theories, Motivation theories, Cross culture counseling, Counseling skills, 6 months Practical Exams, 1500 cases to deal, Examinations and assignments, then only if you get all through; you will obtain a DEGREE. A degree isn't good enough, you have to apply for license, undergo some interviews then only you are qualify to become a registered counselor.
As a counselor you are bounded by Code of Attics . Could courses of few days cover all that I had mentioned? I don't think so.
Many people thought that counseling is giving advices. This is wrong. WE ARE NOT GIVING ADVICES. Counseling is a process whereby the relationship between the counselor and the client work together to reach a state of self improvement. At the end of the process the client able to gather the strength to help himself to solve his own problems. We may not be able to change the situation , we also couldn't change other people but we can change our concepts. All counseling process are based on certain theories. Its not the coffee shop kind like talking. There are objectives to reach in our meetings. Many people like to help other people, but if you're not a professional counselor, than refer the case to the professional. Otherwise ,you will make the situation worse!

Laziness is the deadly disease of the youngsters

Lately I had been invited to give talks to many secondary schools. That also include some of the primary schools , especially the Chinese schools.I used to be careful in arranging my materials about how our Chinese students doing in secondary schools, in order not to be too offensive, I'll hid some of the truth and just speak what favourable to hear to our Chinese community . Is it wrong to speak the truth? I always asked myself, and this time I decide to speak the truth. The result is I didn't feel good about it after seeing how people react cause the truth is too painful to bear, especially by the race who always think superior about themselves.
There are two categories in secondary school about our Chinese students. Either they are the top cream of 10% or the worst lots of 30% and the middle are mostly the Malays. Today I am not going to talk about the good one. They are always well taken cared of. God bless them. But the worst lot really worry us, they are our future generations who suppose to lead and take our place after we left.
Laziness is the deadly disease that wide spread among the youngsters nowadays. Why? Everybody want to know WHY, the parents too, could not understand their young. In class, they'll be sleeping most of the time when the teachers start teaching. Or other wise they would sneak out and rather roaming around the school than sitting in the class listening to the 'boring' lessons(as they term it). I wish I could be convinced that the teachers were really boring, but to my disappointment, they dislike almost all the teachers and all the subjects,that include Chinese Language.They are also the law breakers. Keeping long and shabby hair style, with shirt loose unbutton, all year long no badges or name tags ,talking louder than other people, cracking dirty jokes and expert in 3 little bad words. The Malay teachers had been tolerated them, just not to scold or better use the word cursed them in front of us (the Chinese teachers) in order not to insult us.The common excuse they gave was that 'THEY COULD NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THE TEACHERS ARE TEACHING,' or otherwise they said ' THE MALAY TEACHERS ARE UNFAIR TOWARDS THEM' ... but both excuses had strongly convinced their parents that the school is at fault for their children laziness! And we usually get the feedback from their parents that they supported their children to stop school even at the age of 15(Form 2). 'BETTER GO TO WORK'. This is their final destination. They wanted to work badly to earn money to support their handsets, that's the hidden reason every teachers know! I used to trace back my students who left school for this similar matter to find out if whether they are doing well, but to my surprise most of them regretted and wish to come back to school. Why? Its because working life is not really fun either for THE LAZY people.

The Dumb one will do better in life?

I read an article in nangyang siang pao (18th Sept 2008) making a sweeping statement that those students who are lazy in school, naughty, or branded by teachers 'stupid' always do better in life compare to those hardworking, studious and excel in school. Later, the writer said these are the people(good one) who are going to be jobless. Why they do not like schooling? The syllabus are boring and not conducive, too many restrictions, thus they wouldn't like to go to school, said the writer. I totally disagree with the writer and I believe the writer never been to school for a long time and not knowing what is really happening in school. No doubt, some had came out in life but how many, whats the percentage? Earning lots of money doesn't mean they are successful in life. Look at those who become 'A Long' or do 'side door business', they also earn tons of money, can you say they are successful in life or better off compare to those educated one who earn an honest living?
Nowadays schools are equipped with lots of teaching media such as computers, CD, LCD etc. The classroom are comfortable, some classes with air-cons. There are computer lab, library, Science's lab, KH lab, ERT room etc and all these facilities contribute better education for the students. Compare to those days we had nothing except science lab and the teachers were chalk and talk specialist but still many of us came out successful in life and we always feel grateful to our teachers and school.
Those students who are lazy, naughty and trouble maker in school are problematic students. They have ATTITUDE problems, could also be mental or emotional problems due to their family back ground. These lots of attitude problems students usually give a lots of excuses for their laziness. They love to play, waste time, disturbing other students or challenge school regulations. They find interest in nothing at all, not even in co- curriculum such as sports and games. Even if you organise a trip these people wouldn't participate. What they are interested in is to play with their friends, talking in the class while the teacher is teaching or sleeping the whole day . You must know that they have activities at night such as computer games, chit chat 'yam char' . The simple reason they are like that is because their parents could not control them. Most parents are too busy to seriously care about their teens behaviour outside school. Some parents even sided their children for all the wrong things they did. The worst of all is the parent who discourage them to school because they are big enough to work at least can help the parent to lessen the burden on car or house installments.
Many of them stop schooling half way as the writer said' not interested' anymore in school life. They are lazy because they like to enjoy. They take life easy, schooling is suffering because need hard work. So, these lots of 'LAZY BUMS' when they go out to work won't last them too long in each job. After sometimes you may find them stop working, doing nothing! I have few students like that. These people are tendency to meet those bad guys who might later drag them into 'black society' who do underground business.
Those who are not educated but still can come out in life are not many . They can, provided they have no attitude problems. Education carters not only job opportunity but also wisdom. Only through education could create professionals. A wiser person make better decision than a dumb one. Those students who excel in their study have positive attitudes, they are resilience, hardworking, determine, discipline and confidence. When talking about 'SUCCESS' it mean more than 'MONEY'. Education can make them a better man. Success is subjective, but to me, its the value of your life; how much you can contribute to the well being of mankind.

Chicken in the slaughter house verses Frogs in the pond

I would like to narrate this story to the children. Two stories are not related but both need a little thinking power.


Once upon a time, there lived a farmer. He had a farm. He reared lots of chicken in his farm. He also had other animals too but the story today is about the chicken. The chicken were well taken care and everyday he gave surplus of food. The chicken were so happy living in his farm. The farmer couldn't be border what chicken were doing in the farm as long as they laid some eggs for him everyday. For a long time it had been going on this way and the farmer had less worry about the chicken because they were the least problematic animal compared to the other animals in the farm. At one time disaster came, the chicken started to fight among themselves over some small matters. Since then the chicken didn't bother to do their duty anymore and this of course annoyed the farmer. After seriously thought about this matter, he decided to slaughter some of the chicken. So he sent the chicken to the slaughter house. But the chicken couldn't predict their future in the slaughter house, they went on fighting. The farmer couldn't tolerate anymore to this nonsense thus he decided to slaughter all the chicken.
Near by the farm there was a pond. In the pond there lived some frogs. These frogs had different colours cause they were of different species. The green frogs were the earliest species who lived there ,then later came the red frogs, the blue frogs and the purple frogs. They had been living there for so many generations and all the frogs had loyalty to the place they lived. They were living in peace and harmony and each of them work hard to keep the pond beautiful. But good time never last long. The green frogs held a meeting among themselves to talk about their rights as the earliest species who lived there. They wanted to set rules that made the other frogs inferior. This discrimination had disturbed the frogs' life. Some of them thought about migrating to a better place, some just stay on but lost their loyalty, some just waited to over throne the green frogs and the fact was,the pond was no longer beautiful and good place to live.

The Super Malays of Malaysia

I met a lawyer at the airport while waiting to board our plane. We were sort of coincidentally sitting at the same table when we started to talk to each other. Lawyer Halim had 3 children and all of them were sent to oversea to pursue their higher education. I was told that all of them scored excellent results in SPM (8A's) but none were enrolled into the local IPTA, though they were being offered by the government. I was very much surprise because usually the Malays would not given up the scholarship specially located for them and also much preferred the local University than paying money from their own pockets to go overseas. "I don't want my children to be bonded by the government." explained Halim. His children are doing medic. "I want them to pursue their specialist degree in US. The doctors in Malaysia are working worst than a slave. I want my children to work elsewhere in this world where doctor are treated as professional and have work schedule like human." For a while, I have to agree to Halim because my sons are doctors too in the government hospital, working from 6.00am to 8.00pm, on call every alternate day( 24hrs), have not enough sleep most of the time and no more life for him..... Yet our Health Minister think our doctors were not doing good enough and have to increase their working hours. And Halim is willing to pay to get his sons out from this fate. I really salute him.

This remind me of the 'Mara Protest' lately for not to give way to other races to enter Mara. The rational behind is not really clear but two things we can guess, one is they afraid to compete with other races may be they presume they are less better(in real fact they are equally good). Secondly may be they being racist( still tight down by the historical factor). They forget that other races are paying taxes too. This racist kind of policies have to be outdated because we all had been here for more than a decade, and please recognise us as Malaysian who are also loyal to this country. The racist kind of mentality is a low kind of mentality, back to the time in America where the Black were not treated equal as the White. Halim is a super Malay who is not only dare to compete with the other races in Malaysia in fact dare to compete with the world. I have a great respect for him for this and hope that one day more Malays would come to join Halim, to have self confidence and to be competence with everyone else in this world. This is what our XPM meant by not using 'tongkat'. That time Malaysia would be prosperous, clear of corruptions, lawful(no bias,bias) and respected by the world.

The boy who sleeps in class

Zhu Guan slept most of the time in the classroom. It's headache for most teachers who enter that class. All his classmates dare not disturb him because he would beat anyone who waked him up. Yesterday he strangled a boy for disturbing his sleep. The only time he woke up is the recess time. I took up this case and had been attending to him for few sessions . At last I decided to call his father. I had been calling him for the pass one week and I couldn't get him anyway. Last Friday, as I was packing to go home, his father showed up. I was surprise to see a young man of late 20's . This is a story I would like to share. ,
"I was married at the age 17 and my wife 15. I meant to have fun but never expected she got pregnant. I had to stop schooling and was forced to marry her. But the marriage didn't last, we divorced after the child was borned. My son was raised by his grandparents."
I told him about his son's problems. "He seem to watch video CD every night till morning. He also plays video game at cyber cafe till late night. "
"It's all his mother's mistake, she should have given this child to me. " "Are you sure you could look after him better than his mother?" "But I am busy too..." Asking about his occupation, this is what he told me, " I am running a business in cyber cafe, I also a finance collector(one who collects debt in Tai Yi Long business). He saw my fishy smiles and felt pressured," Actually I regretted my life. I didn't complete my secondary education. After I left school than only I realise knowledge is important. I couldn't find a better job that gives me lots of money. And I believe money is the most important thing in this world. . I plan to 'buy' a wife from Cambodia or Thailand. Only with money, we can satisfy the women. " His ideology reflex his irrational thinking which may influence the upbringing of his child. Now I can understand why Zhu Guan behave that way. "Everybody make mistakes right? " Most parents have very soft hearts for their children, but school have rules and regulations which the students must learn to abide . As for Zhu Guan, the father must be strict with him.
1.Make sure he doesn't stay late at night. He must sleeps at night and awakes in the day.
2.The father has to pay serious attention to his progress in education.
3.Most important thing I suggest, his father should practise good values so that the boy could grow up in a favourable environment. The father is the role model.
Zhu Guan is just one of the victim from a broken home. His grand parents though loved him very much but still couldn't replace the role of a parent.
There are mistakes you can make and be forgiven but there are mistakes once committed, there's no turning back, this is what I always tell the students. I hope they learn from this story.

When the women walk out from the kitchen

I dated a good friend of mine to chat over a cup of tea at her house, a day after the 'election'. Joining us was another friend of hers who was just 'lost' in the 'election' last night. She was quite upset. " It must be a foul play, everybody say so, in fact someone saw it...it was red ticket...mine ticket. " The story about 'the red ticket' was going too far, added more and more to the matter was from one witness increase to three! More and more people claimed that they 'saw' it. I was one of the witness at the counting parlour, it was perfect last night. No foul play! But to speak the truth at this moment was dangerous! I was afraid they might brand me ' people from the other side' and no more friend with me. I don't want to lose any friends at this age. Friendship is so important to me nowaday. I joined the"party' with a genuine heart, thinking that with my professional skill I might be able to render my service, meantime I'll make more friends. But I was wrong. Since last night I lost most of my friends, they were at war!They walked away from me as though I was their enemy. It looked like we were fighting over 'life and death' matter. I was wondering, why? So, after that night, the women split into two groups. The end results was lose-lose situation because we were no more friends. I was wandering how these people going to be good leaders with their shallow mentality.

The 'election' was over. Its time to get back to the team because we belong to the same 'party' . I hope for the ladies, don't be too serious about the war. Sometimes we must stop and ask ourselves : What's the most important things in our life. What's make our life happy. What's your priority. And the women who walked out from the kitchen must remember to come home, our family is waiting for us because they need us most.

True love or not true love?

Many girls of 15 like to ask me what is true love mean? They were so 'in love' with the guys they met, so dramatic, so beautiful. I never condemn their feelings, at this point I understand how they feel. Girls at puberty start to experience changes in their feelings, and they will undergo this kind of feelings if they are normal. But most girls are shy to show out, they will secretly admire some guys. I did come across some girls who are a bit extreme in their emotion which might end up with greater problems. Su Lin(nick name) was 15 when she was caught kissing with a boy of her age behind the stair case after school. She was sent to see me for counseling sessions. "Teacher, what is true love? " Well this is what I always tell them,"True love means when a boy or a girl meet, there's a kind of affectionate feeling towards each other, wanting to live together for ever..." And they'll laugh and said," Oh that's old fashion teacher! We only want to have fun, never think of ever after kind of things..." Well I am afraid, this is the trend today that make most parents worry . True love, very hard to explain true love when of course I don't think their love is true. The kind of feeling they undergo is affection.Its the chemistry changes in their body that cause the thing. True love takes more than just have fun. "You must be matured enough to understand your feelings toward someone. To get married, you must be economically stable... and true love, the feelings never die ever after..."

There are stages in live where everyone of us must undergo. At different stage, we have a duty to perform. When during childhood, we learn the basic survival skills and the basic education. When we proceed to adolescent, during secondary school, we have to gather as much knowledge as possible to enable us to meet with challenges during adulthood. But, alas! This is the worst time of all where problems come; conflicting with parents, in love problems, peers problems etc..and all these problems have distracted your concentration towards your actual task as a teenager. What is your actual important task now as a teenager? To study! Doing the best for your future.

To fall in love at this time is a waste of time. At the end, its lose-lose situation. As time pass by you'll find that this kind of feeling is not true love. Wait until you are matured enough to understand what love means. Time will come, for true love, don't worry!

Just talk to your parents

Teenagers find its difficult to talk to their parents. Most likely they will end up conflicting and arguing because they couldn't understand each other. That why many parents complaint about communications problem with their teens. " They lock themselves in the room, I don't know what they do inside." " They're not telling me anything what's happening in school..." On the other hand the teenagers claim that there are aliens living in their parents body. " My mum and dad can never understand me, I can't talk to them." Parents nowadays have been tolerating a lot upon their teens. But as a teenager you have to take responsiblity too to communicate with your parents. It's important because you have nothing to lose, in fact you'll gain !
First, you must seek to understand your parent by just listening to them. Of course many of you would think I am bias to say so. Why we cannot communicate with parents mainly due to our weakness in listening skill . We have no patience to listen. We avoid putting ourselves in their shoes. We always think our parents are super people who never get hurt, never frustrated, never give up no matter what nonsense we do. But we are wrong! Parents are human too. They do make mistakes, got bad times in their office, got worries, upset or sometimes giving up hope. You have your role to play. Your dad or mum want to talk to you and you can just listen. May be they need someone to talk to. They need someone dear like you to share their feelings. You can start the conversation by asking" So how's your day today mum/dad?" Listen genuinely, have eyes contact and show your interest. Sometimes your parents give you advices, which I know most teenagers dislike. Some parents have poor skill of giving advices because it finally turn out to be boring nagging! Nag, nag, nag... and the teens avoid you whenever you open your mouth. If your mum and dad want to give advices(though you hate it) just listen, think about the good points in their advices. Always remember that they love you. Its all for your own good!
Just listen is a win-lose situation. My second point is to give respond or feedback. Some teenagers just keep their mouths shut though they disagree with their parents . "No point talking to them, they wouldn't understand! Silent is golden." But I strongly disagree to this. You must respond, of course in a positive way. To respond doesn't mean argument. You may have your rational , just speak up your feelings in a harmony tone. Once I stop my son playing computer games which I think is destructive to brain especially when playing for hours non stop. This was what he said," Mum, I have no friends and no other hobbies, games is something I can enjoy and relax my mind. This is a game of my age, I may not be playing games anymore when I am 40. But I promise you to do my best in my study, otherwise you can delete all my games." A compromise was made. So I gave in on the term that he mustn't slack in his study. Sometimes you need to seek for approval over somethings may be your parents disagree; well speak up and give good reasons. But not everything must turn out favourable on your side. There are things your parents have to turn you down for some reasons you must accept . Parents are people who have experience and knowledge more than you(eat more salt), the fact is most of the time they are right. So just accept. By giving feedback or respond you could make yourself understood. Communication need to take both sides. Nobody could understand if you just keep quiet and avoid talking to your parent.
To conclude, you have nothing to lose if you can communicate with your parent well. You might gain more respect, trust and favour. Just fly into their shoes and think what should you do if you are them.

Confussion

Who's telling lies and who's telling truth?

Who's the convict and who's innocent?

Who's corrupting and who's clean?

What seem very clear yet is blurred.

What seem logical yet is senseless.

What seem simple yet is difficult.

The criminal stays free and the innocent to jail.

The justice to exile and the injustice withheld .

The true testimonial is not in favour.

All these because somebody wants power.

The power can change the wrong to right.

The power can change the bad to good.

The power can change the evils to saint.

It takes 50 years to win the trust.

And one day is enough to lost it all.

Another 50 years the trust no more.

Once empire fall forever fall.

The history has proven yet to learn.

utube the lion king is sleeping tonight - Google Search

utube the lion king is sleeping tonight - Google Search

Runaway girl

It was 12.30 midnight when I got a phone call from her father," My girl has not returned home till now, didn't she go to school this morning?" I was caught in the middle of my sweet dream, couldn't make up who was she was.Later I remembered her, she came to see me frequent, sort of finding some one to talk to. I recalled the day she was outside my room early in the morning and I was busy with referred cases. She stood there looking a bit sad ,I told her to come after recess but she didn't showed up."Oh ya? Have you called up all her friends?" Later I was told that they found her at her friend's house. She had a lot of complaints lately, the whole world seem to offend her. Her parent, divorced few years back was the greatest impact to her life today, especially after the father remarried. "Nobody loves me, my mother promised to celebrate my birthday but she didn't showed up. My father is too busy to care about my feeling. Nobody, nobody trusts me, they despise me, I'm always at fault, even if I do well, nobody ever appreciate."
I had many cases of teens who came from broken homes, they were mostly problematic. Unless either father or mother who could really manage and handle the situation well, otherwise the children might suffered the psychology impact of loosing one of the parent.
The common symptom is the premature coupling relationship. Though this problem also occurred in normal famillies but more on the broken families. Why the teens need to couple up at so early age? Many parents had seen me for this particular problem. Apart from the normal natural instinct process, some teens go to the extreme of having sexual relationship or running away from home. They were not afraid or shy to let others know about it. Most of them claimed that they were lonely. Most of the time the parents were not at home, they were busy. "I have boy friend because I have no one to talk to. At least I don't have to talk to the wall." "My boy friend loves me, I feel nice about this." The truth is the parents are real busy nowadays. Apart from their careers, they have all other activities to attend. Last night I was watching a group of women dancing at the playground next to my house. You can see the dancing sessions everywhere, especially night time. Morning, they would probably doing exercises at the seaside. Most mothers are wiser nowadays to take care of their health. The fathers have to much work to do in order to meet the inflation. The school used to have activities for the parent on Sundays but most of them could not come because they were "busy". When the parents are out, I wander what the teens do at home. Do they revise their lessons? Do they help you in the house work? Or do they really stay at home? In order to make them happy most parents bribe their teens with hand phones, which has became the root of all evils later on. So how? Most parents demand one word answer from the counselor. "My teen is problematic. I am sending him to you." When I insisted that its the parents I should see, "I am busy, not me have problems, its my child." When I talk to the parents, I can hardly finish our conversations because they would be clinging to their handset every alternate minutes.
I had a case whereby the parent were not at home for days, the daughter brought back her boy friend to sleep. Most common place to hunt for boys is at the cyber cafe. A girl, 16 had delivered a baby to the boy 17, whom she met at the cyber cafe and they had an affair the first day itself, not knowing what his real name was. More serious case is about a girl 15 from a broken home, left alone most of the time, doing part time business XXX in order to support her handset and luxurious things. Most parents groaned that teenagers nowadays have changed, not like our time. Yes, they need to change to meet the changing world, but our duty as a parent not change. It depends on the priority you put between your children and other things. You harvest what you sow.

How paradigm of self could influence your life

What is paradigm? Paradigm is how you look at yourself, they are all perceptions. Negative paradigm would create limitations. One who strongly believe that he is a dumb, then he is indeed.For instant you are convinced that you couldn't make it to colleges, the belief would hold you back; you wouldn't work hard enough, sitting in the class listening to teachers is a waste of time, always excuses, and at last your prediction come true, you couldn't make it.
Quite sometime ago I was seeing a boy who wanted to stop school at Form 2 because he believed that he wouldn't pass PMR. His father was with him, trying to convince me about his son,
" Madam Teo, its no use, my son wouldn't make it. He was no good since primary school. I think he better go to work, don't waste time here." Well, its pretty clear that his paradigm had pulled him back.
Probably the parent too has negative paradigm. He was being told frequently that he wasn't good enough in school. Some parents may not know that their negative paradigms have intruded their children lives. In our daily conversation with the family members we might carelessly talk in negative tones. Some parents even use reverse psychology to motivate their children which I strongly oppose to that. You might think by saying 'you are not good enough compare to your sister or brother' would inspire your child to strive harder but in actual fact, they won't. The chances are that they would form a negative paradigm of self. Positive paradigm come through encouragements not condemnations.
Positive paradigm can bring out the best in oneself. If you think you can, you can. People work hard to achieve their dreams. Its determination and inspiration to think good about oneself . A successful person never has negative paradigm on self. Parents must plant into their children the positive paradigms. You know how to do it.

Watch out for defective habits in your teens

First we learn to identify the defective habits our teens have adapted which would lead to more problems most parents face later in their life.

*Defective teens like to blame others for all their problems. The parents, the teachers, the school, the government and all others except themselves. They never take responsibility for their own life. All their life they 'll be the victims. Their defective habits usually nurtured at very young age adopted from the parents whom also like to blame others most of the time in their daily life. Every time they make a mistake and start to blame others, parents nevertheless would side them and confirm towards the defective habit, which later on have developed into a permanent defective behaviour. I used to face parents whom being invited to school to talk about their problems teens; "My son said, the teacher is unfair. The teacher being racist, never punished their own race for the similar mistake made. " In fact many Chinese students use this excuse as a weapon to escape from their parents' punishment for the mistakes they make in school. To my surprise, most parents like to believe it, for most Malaysian Chinese still strongly hold on to this idealogy.

*The defective teens never have plans for their future. Since they never take responsibility, thus they also never worry about tomorrow. All things seem to be well taken care off by their parents. They live for the moment, enjoying themselves with their peers, sleeping in the class while teachers are teaching but staying awake all night playing computer games or chating endlessly on their phones. They never worry about the consequences for breaking school rules and damn the rules for they'll walk around with the latest fashion in town, feeling like a star. They rather spend their precious time in the smelly toilet than to sit in the classroom learning from the teachers. All they have to do is to put the first thing last and the last thing first. All the goodness such as hard working, honesty, faithfulness, loyalty from their ancesters are stupid to them. Good advices are funny, for they will be giggling over serious things talked by the teachers.

So parents, if you see these characteristic in your teens, you have to watch out. Take the first step ahead and build up the sense of responsibility in your teens. Never believe in their blames. See what really goes wrong and treat their defective thinking. You yourself must prove to be a functional person, always not blaming others in front of your children. Children learn by example. Make them do all the things they suppose to do for themselves, include washing their own plates, shoes , keeping their room clean and also helping with the house works. Both parent, father and mother must cooperate in the up bringing of their children. As what we see today in most family the father will leave all the responsibilities to the mother, and the mother becomes the dominant figure in the house who answers to everything the child needs. This phenomena is unhealthy in terms of character building for a child as he needs both parent as role model to be able to adopt their example as a responsible person. Parent should work along with the school regulations and always watch out for their children behaviour in school. Check their attire and hair style, for all schools in Malaysia never allow students to be fashionable. Make sure the children discipline themselves at home and never let them be loose-tie, doing anything they like except studying. Cultivate good habits from young age, make them responsible for their own deeds. Have close check over their daily achievement in school, make sure they can follow all the lessons. Never entertain excuses. Encourage them and always tell them that education is very important. Parents who always talk negative things about education would further ruined their children future. Make your children aim high, and if he drops he won't drop so low.

Why teenagers suffer depression?

Depression is more than feeling sad. Feeling sad at times is part of life for most people, especially when things aren't going well. However, for a depressed person, feeling sad will make it difficult and impossible to function normally at home or at work. Sometimes, a feeling of sadness is not due to particular event such as death of a love one or divorce. A negetive life event may bring about depression. However, this is not the case for many people with depression. In fact, their life may be going smoothly overall when they become depressed. Symptoms of depression may be as follows.:

-difficulty in thinking, concentration and making decisions.
-change in appetite, sudden loss of weight or gain weight.
-sleeping problems, such as sleep too much or unable to sleep.
-feeling of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt.
-lack of energy, feeling tired all the time.
-thought of death or suicide.

No doubt many people might think that depression is only occurs among the elderly, especially the age group who lost their spouses or facing family problems; but through my experience working with the teens, many teens faced depression. The reasons could be very simple ,it may be the issues of peers pressures, or not accepted by their friends. Teens facing peers problem could lead to depression. Many issues about family problems , whereby the parents were about to divorce might also cause depression among teenagers . Some parents have high expectation on their children and keeping them close eyed until they couldn't breath might also be the cause of depression. Next comes examination pressure, failures , and the most popular issue is about the LOVE issue.
Mei Ling was only sixteen when she attampted suicide for the first time. Nobody expected she could do that for she used to be a good student, obidient and quiet. It was until she met her first 'lover', who was only eighteen, she had changed. Their relationship was objected by both parents and finally the boy decided to end their relationship. It was terrible for Mei Ling , she locked herself in her room most of the time, not talking to anybody. She also had problems in school, until her parent decided to send her away to a boarding school far away from home. There, she decided to end her life.
Many parents could have faced the similar problems nowaday. The teens seem to matured faster then they suppose to be. In school, they started to coupled up during Form 2 to 3. Why they need to couple up at this early age has been a question to most parents. We could not deny about the physical growth and psycological changes that occurs, the feeling of affection towards opposite sex blooms. Most parents reacted vigorously as they couldn't make sense about the needs of their feeling. Danny, a friend of mine told me that he went and peeped his daughter and caught her red handed, kissing with a boy under the staircase outside the school compound while they suppose to attend school at that time. There is no perculier reason to explain why they should fall in love. Most parents are too busy to attend to their teens. Most teens complain that they are lonely and they need a companion. Most adults relate love to marriage wherelse the teens don't. Most teens doesn't think about marriage cos they just want to have funs. Mei Ling had high self esteem and she couldn't face the fact 'BEING DUMP' by someone. Its ' shame', she said. and the feeling of worthlessness. 'Death can settle problem', she told me and I am sure she watch too much movie. Many teens would face depression in this similar situation. Some could just cop up with the situation but in some couldn't. The sadness had grown into depression.

It takes wisdom to be a loser

To a friend I concern very much.....

Its easy to be a winner, but to be a loser, it takes wisdom. Once a leader whom I respected very much told me,her words has become a guide in my life as I always be a loser myself. Recently a friend faced this dilemma when he became a loser in the game of politic. He was in trauma, felt cheated, betrayed, angry and he believed he had been victimized by a group of people he once trusted. As a friend, nothing I can do to help except some words of wisdom to share.

Life itself is a game and each of us has a role to play. There is a law to abide, that is 'The law of nature'.The law says what ever begins will ends... in order to win, you must have 3 elements favourable : the right time, the right place, and the right people. Lack of one you will not win. In the case of my friend, he had both the right time and the right place but not the right people. Thus he didn't win. There's no need to give a tremendous explanation for all this. Blaming people wouldn't do any good nor change the situation. Life still has to go on. The facts is,politic is the most tricky game ever played in man kind . All the players want to win whenever there is a chance, there is no mercy.

If you want to play , you must enjoy the game. You must be prepared to lose. Politic game is like running in a RELAY TEAM , you are a team member. You may be the first runner but still you got to pass the baton to the next runner. And there goes with the 2nd runner till the last runner. You may be the best runner but you couldn't win alone, the team must win. You may be the fastest runner but if the team lose, you lose. When we were young, our teacher always talk about sporting spirit. Losing is not a big deal, you must have a sporting spirit. But my advice is if you cannot lose, better don't play the game.

Everything in the world has its price. When you were a winner, you became a public figure. Your life was no more solely yours to enjoy. You might think you gain a lot of things, but actually you lost many things too.You had no true friends, people wanted something from you. You had no time for the people you love, your life had been scheduled. You are not genuine, a lot of things done were for shows. You were burdened with people's problems. You had to be cautious all the times, of enemies attacked. You didn't sleep well .You were struggling inside you.You did so many things yet people were not thankful. You were tired and exhausted. This was the price paid for being a winner! May be being a winner you gain a lot of fortunes. And if you think the fortune can give you happiness, then you shouldn't be sad now. The fortune in fact can only engrave you towards greediness, which the Buddha said, is SUFFERING.

Now your baton had passed on to the other runner. How nice to be a free man. Just look at the people around you, how much they had suffered because you suffer. The people who never fail to support you, value you and love you. They deserved your attention more then anyone else .Always think good about people, then you would have no enemies. Be thankful to your friend who take over your burdens. Just let it goes, then you will be happy. Its the wisdom that make you a different person.

Smiling is the best medicine

I remember some one claims that smiling is the best medicine. When we smile, our hearts feel pleasant. If we start to smile to our colleagues, family and friends, everybody would smile back to us, thus everybody would be fonder, our relationships could be improved. The one who smiles a lot would definitely gain more friends. In school, we should start smiling too, especially to our students. Lets the students feel pleasant to come to school. The students who start the day pleasant may feel pleasant for the rest of the day. This may lead to less discipline problems. I used to experiment this to some stern looking students. I smile to them every morning. To my surprise they started to smile back every time they met me. I smile and greet my colleague, they too smile back and greet me. I always start my day feeling very pleasant, or at least if I encounter any problems at the end of the day, the problems would be less burden.
We always complaint about some of the students being rude to us, "They never greet us..." Why not we start smiling to them and greet them first, this is call teaching by role model. I used to smile to the students who came to see me and found that its easier to break the barrier between us.
Many parents complaint that they couldn't communicate with their children, especially the teens. My advice is why not you start smiling to them.Just look into their eyes and smiles. You'll found its easier to communicate. Smiles need not have a reason. Your smile is a silent signal that you are approachable. I used to smile to my children and they like to talk to me. Don't always start the day with a stern face and make them feel like they're guilty. You are going to spoil their day.
So start smiling to every one. Smiling is the cheapest medicine to realise stress.

I Came Back From Hell

This is a story about Kent. Kent was sentence to death for drug trafficking. Before, he was also involved in the bank robbery, gang fighting etc. But some how he was pardoned by DYMM Yang Di Pertuan Agong. After 12 years in jail, he walked out again as a free man , by then he was 36. Kent wanted to change when he came to see me, but this is the thing I failed to do unless his heart wanted to. He narrated his story which I think might be a lesson to be learnt by our parents and students today.
"My father was a drunker. When I was young, I remember he always came back drunk, beating my mother for no reason. I was beaten too. Every time I got beaten, I hated him. I was doing quite well in the primary school but my mother never encourage me to do better. As the only son in the family,she said ,I must came out to work earlier because my father was jobless. The family was too poor to support me. Somehow I pursued my secondary education. Due to my language barrier, I was slacking in my study. I must admit that I didn't work hard at all. I started to create discipline problems in school. I tried to influence some guys to join me. Secretly I am forming a gang in the school and I was the 'taiko'. In order to be more powerful, I looked for a bigger gangster group outside to get protection. Many students were afraid of our gang because we got them beaten outside the school if not obeying. I was the law breaker in the school. Not long after that when I was about to finish Form 3, I was expelled from the school. The last thing I did was scratching teacher's car and beat him in the class. I was happy to leave school then, at least I got the freedom and fresh air to breath rather than sitting in the boring classes. From then and onwards, I was doing work for the gang. Daytime I worked in my uncle food stall and at night I did everything my 'taiko 'ordered .That included gang fighting, drug selling, stealing motorbike, cars etc. Due to my bravery and loyalty I was promoted as 'yiko' (2nd brother) at age 17. I felt like a hero . Due to my age, I was given a task as a drug seller. Pub, night club, disco were the popular places where business was conducted. I remember one night when we were at the night club, I disturbed a girl . I didn't know she was some other 'taiko' s girl. That night, the other gang was surrounded me, my 'taiko' and other friends escaped and I was alone, beaten to near death. When I woke up on the hospital bed, my mother was beside me crying. Later I came to know that my gang had disowned me, they didn't want troubles from the other gang. They were much more powerful. I was disappointed over my gang who betrayed me, but at the same time I started to form my own gang. I was brave and fierce, not long after that my gang grew bigger. At age 20, I already controlled 50 members. From then, my life was never away from gang fighting, drugs, women, robbery, stealing etc. Very fast, I was tracked down by the police. To cut short the story, I was caught in the year 1993 and sentence to death penalty.
Life in the jail was a nightmare for me. Every single sound at night could shaken my soul for that could have been my turn . Many times I witness the convicts before me was taken to the gallery, dragged by the guards for they were too weak to walk. Each day approaching, might be the last day for me. When night shield, I would think of my mother. Oh how I hope my father could beat me again. I don't know how long time passes when someone came to break the news about my father's death. His eyes were open, they said, his last wish to see his only son was not fulfil. I trembled in grief , regrets came cutting into my heart and soul .The hidden hatred inside me reveal itself...whom I hated most is myself, I hated myself so much that I wish I could just die. I wanted to say sorry to dad, mum but it was too late...One day, I was told that I was pardoned by DYMM Agong. I knew I did not deserved this but here I am, coming back from hell..."
Kent is a special case, for not everybody is as lucky as Kent. There are some mistakes you shouldn't make in life, once mistake, there is no return...may see you in hell.

The Hungry Brain

Many secondary school students go to school without breakfast. They woke up just enough time to rush for buses which started to pick them at 6.30am. Upon arriving the school, they are just on time to start lessons. Some school started as early as 7.15am. The students were so used to this situation and had form a habit of not taking breakfast. When asked during my survey," I am not used to eating in the morning, I couldn't eat. " But the phenomena shown that most students without breakfast became worn out easily in the class. They are tired and sleepy. They couldn't pay attention to the teacher's teaching. At 10.00am, they are already craving to go out. Some would just walk out and loitering around the school, creating disciplinary problems. Though boredom may due to many factors but we couldn't deny that one of it may due to hunger. At the long run, the brain without nutrient may run out of energy, which directly affect their concentrations. Our Malaysian students are less lucky to enjoy good canteens whereby food are varieties and surplus. Most food sold to students are monotonous and less nutritious. I had seen a school canteen selling only 'nasi lemak' for the last six years. Some students dislike spicy food would even skip eating during recess unless their parents prepare lunch box for them. The worst time comes around 1.00pm to 2.00pm for those starving lots, they would be out of control because they wanted to go home as quickly as possible. That why they sneak out from classes or sneak out from school. The school at all ages trying to tackle discipline problems but if we fail to seek the cause, we are going to fail.

Spending Time with our children is Love

Someone send me an article which I find is very meaningful to share with others. Its about how we express love to our children, doing all possible things such as buying expensive toys, enroll them in all sorts of classes, equipped them with high tech equipments such as computer and hand phone etc to keep them occupied. By doing so, we think we had given them a head start with all the luxurious things and they are going to appreciate our love forever. But little as we know that the children filled with materialistic rewards couldn't feel the 'Love' we invested. I used to talk to the teens about how they feel about their parents; "I doubt if they ever love me, their friends are more important than me. Many times my dad just went off whenever his friends calls, but for me he always say 'no time'."

We always take thing for granted. When I was 30's and my eldest son was 13, I was working towards further my education to university and my son said this to me,"You are going to leave us when we need you the most, You may become somebody one day but what will we become. You wouldn't like your children to be nobody. " For this reason, I had postponed the idea and dragged on with my daily routines, spent most of the time with them. Apart from my career as a teacher ,I did nothing as a side job though our earning could barely survive. It was much more later when I was 43, I pursue my degree the same year my son entered university. The same year we graduated too.

Whenever I asked the parents whether they talk to their children, "Oh yes, of course, I always advice them a lot at the dinner table I said................" They always go on repeating every words they spoke to their children to me, if I don't cut in, it might take 1 hour to end the replay slot. The parents usually got highly inspired and drifted away when talking about their advices to their children. When finally I asked," Was it effective?" With eyes whithered, they said "No, they wouldn't listen." It must be something lacking in their relationship that cause this break down. Its the 'bonding' , there is no natural bonding between father and son, thus the father couldn't anyway reach the internal feeling of the children. And 'bonding' only build up through years of 'time' invested on them. Most of the time the parents spend with their children is used up in giving advices for things of the past, now and future. Though advices is necessary sometimes,but too much would be nauseous. The advices is only effective only when the parents be the role model himself. Parents advice their children not to smoke while they themselves do so. Parents want their children to read a lot while they themselves never read a book for years. Parents want the children to respect the elders while they themselves never have hearts for their own folks. Finally tons of advice has become nuisance sound that the children hated so much, whenever you started they want to fly off.

The children need time with you when their social skill start to develop. They want us to play with them, talk to them, laughing together, go outing and happiness together. As they grow older they want us to understand their needs, give them more privacy, cultivate their interests, build up their self confidence, encourage them and always be available whenever they need us. I used to take my children to go touring around during the holidays , and there I have my opportunity to build up our relationship, like I said ,the bonding. I listen to their stories and enjoy their jokes. We had great time together, a lot. During bad time whenever there's problem, I am sitting beside, holding his hand and lending my shoulder to cry. This is the time to give encouragement, not advices. Never overwhelm to protect them till you cannot tolerate their mistakes . Children learns from mistakes. Let you be the first person to go to whenever they have problems. Don' try to solve every problems they have, sometime they only need a listening ear.

So its worth to invest our time in them. Let them feel that they are more important compare to your friends, your business and anything else in this world. I know everybody love their children , but if the children couldn't feel your loves, you have to think another way out. Some parents took short cuts by just scolding them for being ungrateful to their love. But whats the point, they want the thing that you couldn't give them, that's the TIME.

Poverty

Nirmala was absent from school several times. I decided to pay her a visit to find out her problems. This was what I saw as I open the pot, its only chili water to drink for her lunch. She had not eaten rice for the last two days. There's no more rice left. Her mother left her and ran away with another man since she was four. Her father, a drug addict, seldom home. The father had sold off most of the things at home for money. The house was empty. Nirmala, though not excellent in academic but she was a good student. "I always hungry teacher." She lives with her grandmother who is 65 years old, still working as a sweeper for RM15 a day. But most of the time she was sick at home. This kind of agony is common among our poor students in Malaysia. Poverty is the main reason why they are not excellent in school. They are the neglected group. I tried to reach for aids from varies organizations. Now Nirmala is still schooling , not giving up though the life is tough for her. "Through education, you can change your fate," I always tell her.