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Runaway girl

It was 12.30 midnight when I got a phone call from her father," My girl has not returned home till now, didn't she go to school this morning?" I was caught in the middle of my sweet dream, couldn't make up who was she was.Later I remembered her, she came to see me frequent, sort of finding some one to talk to. I recalled the day she was outside my room early in the morning and I was busy with referred cases. She stood there looking a bit sad ,I told her to come after recess but she didn't showed up."Oh ya? Have you called up all her friends?" Later I was told that they found her at her friend's house. She had a lot of complaints lately, the whole world seem to offend her. Her parent, divorced few years back was the greatest impact to her life today, especially after the father remarried. "Nobody loves me, my mother promised to celebrate my birthday but she didn't showed up. My father is too busy to care about my feeling. Nobody, nobody trusts me, they despise me, I'm always at fault, even if I do well, nobody ever appreciate."
I had many cases of teens who came from broken homes, they were mostly problematic. Unless either father or mother who could really manage and handle the situation well, otherwise the children might suffered the psychology impact of loosing one of the parent.
The common symptom is the premature coupling relationship. Though this problem also occurred in normal famillies but more on the broken families. Why the teens need to couple up at so early age? Many parents had seen me for this particular problem. Apart from the normal natural instinct process, some teens go to the extreme of having sexual relationship or running away from home. They were not afraid or shy to let others know about it. Most of them claimed that they were lonely. Most of the time the parents were not at home, they were busy. "I have boy friend because I have no one to talk to. At least I don't have to talk to the wall." "My boy friend loves me, I feel nice about this." The truth is the parents are real busy nowadays. Apart from their careers, they have all other activities to attend. Last night I was watching a group of women dancing at the playground next to my house. You can see the dancing sessions everywhere, especially night time. Morning, they would probably doing exercises at the seaside. Most mothers are wiser nowadays to take care of their health. The fathers have to much work to do in order to meet the inflation. The school used to have activities for the parent on Sundays but most of them could not come because they were "busy". When the parents are out, I wander what the teens do at home. Do they revise their lessons? Do they help you in the house work? Or do they really stay at home? In order to make them happy most parents bribe their teens with hand phones, which has became the root of all evils later on. So how? Most parents demand one word answer from the counselor. "My teen is problematic. I am sending him to you." When I insisted that its the parents I should see, "I am busy, not me have problems, its my child." When I talk to the parents, I can hardly finish our conversations because they would be clinging to their handset every alternate minutes.
I had a case whereby the parent were not at home for days, the daughter brought back her boy friend to sleep. Most common place to hunt for boys is at the cyber cafe. A girl, 16 had delivered a baby to the boy 17, whom she met at the cyber cafe and they had an affair the first day itself, not knowing what his real name was. More serious case is about a girl 15 from a broken home, left alone most of the time, doing part time business XXX in order to support her handset and luxurious things. Most parents groaned that teenagers nowadays have changed, not like our time. Yes, they need to change to meet the changing world, but our duty as a parent not change. It depends on the priority you put between your children and other things. You harvest what you sow.

How paradigm of self could influence your life

What is paradigm? Paradigm is how you look at yourself, they are all perceptions. Negative paradigm would create limitations. One who strongly believe that he is a dumb, then he is indeed.For instant you are convinced that you couldn't make it to colleges, the belief would hold you back; you wouldn't work hard enough, sitting in the class listening to teachers is a waste of time, always excuses, and at last your prediction come true, you couldn't make it.
Quite sometime ago I was seeing a boy who wanted to stop school at Form 2 because he believed that he wouldn't pass PMR. His father was with him, trying to convince me about his son,
" Madam Teo, its no use, my son wouldn't make it. He was no good since primary school. I think he better go to work, don't waste time here." Well, its pretty clear that his paradigm had pulled him back.
Probably the parent too has negative paradigm. He was being told frequently that he wasn't good enough in school. Some parents may not know that their negative paradigms have intruded their children lives. In our daily conversation with the family members we might carelessly talk in negative tones. Some parents even use reverse psychology to motivate their children which I strongly oppose to that. You might think by saying 'you are not good enough compare to your sister or brother' would inspire your child to strive harder but in actual fact, they won't. The chances are that they would form a negative paradigm of self. Positive paradigm come through encouragements not condemnations.
Positive paradigm can bring out the best in oneself. If you think you can, you can. People work hard to achieve their dreams. Its determination and inspiration to think good about oneself . A successful person never has negative paradigm on self. Parents must plant into their children the positive paradigms. You know how to do it.

Watch out for defective habits in your teens

First we learn to identify the defective habits our teens have adapted which would lead to more problems most parents face later in their life.

*Defective teens like to blame others for all their problems. The parents, the teachers, the school, the government and all others except themselves. They never take responsibility for their own life. All their life they 'll be the victims. Their defective habits usually nurtured at very young age adopted from the parents whom also like to blame others most of the time in their daily life. Every time they make a mistake and start to blame others, parents nevertheless would side them and confirm towards the defective habit, which later on have developed into a permanent defective behaviour. I used to face parents whom being invited to school to talk about their problems teens; "My son said, the teacher is unfair. The teacher being racist, never punished their own race for the similar mistake made. " In fact many Chinese students use this excuse as a weapon to escape from their parents' punishment for the mistakes they make in school. To my surprise, most parents like to believe it, for most Malaysian Chinese still strongly hold on to this idealogy.

*The defective teens never have plans for their future. Since they never take responsibility, thus they also never worry about tomorrow. All things seem to be well taken care off by their parents. They live for the moment, enjoying themselves with their peers, sleeping in the class while teachers are teaching but staying awake all night playing computer games or chating endlessly on their phones. They never worry about the consequences for breaking school rules and damn the rules for they'll walk around with the latest fashion in town, feeling like a star. They rather spend their precious time in the smelly toilet than to sit in the classroom learning from the teachers. All they have to do is to put the first thing last and the last thing first. All the goodness such as hard working, honesty, faithfulness, loyalty from their ancesters are stupid to them. Good advices are funny, for they will be giggling over serious things talked by the teachers.

So parents, if you see these characteristic in your teens, you have to watch out. Take the first step ahead and build up the sense of responsibility in your teens. Never believe in their blames. See what really goes wrong and treat their defective thinking. You yourself must prove to be a functional person, always not blaming others in front of your children. Children learn by example. Make them do all the things they suppose to do for themselves, include washing their own plates, shoes , keeping their room clean and also helping with the house works. Both parent, father and mother must cooperate in the up bringing of their children. As what we see today in most family the father will leave all the responsibilities to the mother, and the mother becomes the dominant figure in the house who answers to everything the child needs. This phenomena is unhealthy in terms of character building for a child as he needs both parent as role model to be able to adopt their example as a responsible person. Parent should work along with the school regulations and always watch out for their children behaviour in school. Check their attire and hair style, for all schools in Malaysia never allow students to be fashionable. Make sure the children discipline themselves at home and never let them be loose-tie, doing anything they like except studying. Cultivate good habits from young age, make them responsible for their own deeds. Have close check over their daily achievement in school, make sure they can follow all the lessons. Never entertain excuses. Encourage them and always tell them that education is very important. Parents who always talk negative things about education would further ruined their children future. Make your children aim high, and if he drops he won't drop so low.

Why teenagers suffer depression?

Depression is more than feeling sad. Feeling sad at times is part of life for most people, especially when things aren't going well. However, for a depressed person, feeling sad will make it difficult and impossible to function normally at home or at work. Sometimes, a feeling of sadness is not due to particular event such as death of a love one or divorce. A negetive life event may bring about depression. However, this is not the case for many people with depression. In fact, their life may be going smoothly overall when they become depressed. Symptoms of depression may be as follows.:

-difficulty in thinking, concentration and making decisions.
-change in appetite, sudden loss of weight or gain weight.
-sleeping problems, such as sleep too much or unable to sleep.
-feeling of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt.
-lack of energy, feeling tired all the time.
-thought of death or suicide.

No doubt many people might think that depression is only occurs among the elderly, especially the age group who lost their spouses or facing family problems; but through my experience working with the teens, many teens faced depression. The reasons could be very simple ,it may be the issues of peers pressures, or not accepted by their friends. Teens facing peers problem could lead to depression. Many issues about family problems , whereby the parents were about to divorce might also cause depression among teenagers . Some parents have high expectation on their children and keeping them close eyed until they couldn't breath might also be the cause of depression. Next comes examination pressure, failures , and the most popular issue is about the LOVE issue.
Mei Ling was only sixteen when she attampted suicide for the first time. Nobody expected she could do that for she used to be a good student, obidient and quiet. It was until she met her first 'lover', who was only eighteen, she had changed. Their relationship was objected by both parents and finally the boy decided to end their relationship. It was terrible for Mei Ling , she locked herself in her room most of the time, not talking to anybody. She also had problems in school, until her parent decided to send her away to a boarding school far away from home. There, she decided to end her life.
Many parents could have faced the similar problems nowaday. The teens seem to matured faster then they suppose to be. In school, they started to coupled up during Form 2 to 3. Why they need to couple up at this early age has been a question to most parents. We could not deny about the physical growth and psycological changes that occurs, the feeling of affection towards opposite sex blooms. Most parents reacted vigorously as they couldn't make sense about the needs of their feeling. Danny, a friend of mine told me that he went and peeped his daughter and caught her red handed, kissing with a boy under the staircase outside the school compound while they suppose to attend school at that time. There is no perculier reason to explain why they should fall in love. Most parents are too busy to attend to their teens. Most teens complain that they are lonely and they need a companion. Most adults relate love to marriage wherelse the teens don't. Most teens doesn't think about marriage cos they just want to have funs. Mei Ling had high self esteem and she couldn't face the fact 'BEING DUMP' by someone. Its ' shame', she said. and the feeling of worthlessness. 'Death can settle problem', she told me and I am sure she watch too much movie. Many teens would face depression in this similar situation. Some could just cop up with the situation but in some couldn't. The sadness had grown into depression.

It takes wisdom to be a loser

To a friend I concern very much.....

Its easy to be a winner, but to be a loser, it takes wisdom. Once a leader whom I respected very much told me,her words has become a guide in my life as I always be a loser myself. Recently a friend faced this dilemma when he became a loser in the game of politic. He was in trauma, felt cheated, betrayed, angry and he believed he had been victimized by a group of people he once trusted. As a friend, nothing I can do to help except some words of wisdom to share.

Life itself is a game and each of us has a role to play. There is a law to abide, that is 'The law of nature'.The law says what ever begins will ends... in order to win, you must have 3 elements favourable : the right time, the right place, and the right people. Lack of one you will not win. In the case of my friend, he had both the right time and the right place but not the right people. Thus he didn't win. There's no need to give a tremendous explanation for all this. Blaming people wouldn't do any good nor change the situation. Life still has to go on. The facts is,politic is the most tricky game ever played in man kind . All the players want to win whenever there is a chance, there is no mercy.

If you want to play , you must enjoy the game. You must be prepared to lose. Politic game is like running in a RELAY TEAM , you are a team member. You may be the first runner but still you got to pass the baton to the next runner. And there goes with the 2nd runner till the last runner. You may be the best runner but you couldn't win alone, the team must win. You may be the fastest runner but if the team lose, you lose. When we were young, our teacher always talk about sporting spirit. Losing is not a big deal, you must have a sporting spirit. But my advice is if you cannot lose, better don't play the game.

Everything in the world has its price. When you were a winner, you became a public figure. Your life was no more solely yours to enjoy. You might think you gain a lot of things, but actually you lost many things too.You had no true friends, people wanted something from you. You had no time for the people you love, your life had been scheduled. You are not genuine, a lot of things done were for shows. You were burdened with people's problems. You had to be cautious all the times, of enemies attacked. You didn't sleep well .You were struggling inside you.You did so many things yet people were not thankful. You were tired and exhausted. This was the price paid for being a winner! May be being a winner you gain a lot of fortunes. And if you think the fortune can give you happiness, then you shouldn't be sad now. The fortune in fact can only engrave you towards greediness, which the Buddha said, is SUFFERING.

Now your baton had passed on to the other runner. How nice to be a free man. Just look at the people around you, how much they had suffered because you suffer. The people who never fail to support you, value you and love you. They deserved your attention more then anyone else .Always think good about people, then you would have no enemies. Be thankful to your friend who take over your burdens. Just let it goes, then you will be happy. Its the wisdom that make you a different person.

Smiling is the best medicine

I remember some one claims that smiling is the best medicine. When we smile, our hearts feel pleasant. If we start to smile to our colleagues, family and friends, everybody would smile back to us, thus everybody would be fonder, our relationships could be improved. The one who smiles a lot would definitely gain more friends. In school, we should start smiling too, especially to our students. Lets the students feel pleasant to come to school. The students who start the day pleasant may feel pleasant for the rest of the day. This may lead to less discipline problems. I used to experiment this to some stern looking students. I smile to them every morning. To my surprise they started to smile back every time they met me. I smile and greet my colleague, they too smile back and greet me. I always start my day feeling very pleasant, or at least if I encounter any problems at the end of the day, the problems would be less burden.
We always complaint about some of the students being rude to us, "They never greet us..." Why not we start smiling to them and greet them first, this is call teaching by role model. I used to smile to the students who came to see me and found that its easier to break the barrier between us.
Many parents complaint that they couldn't communicate with their children, especially the teens. My advice is why not you start smiling to them.Just look into their eyes and smiles. You'll found its easier to communicate. Smiles need not have a reason. Your smile is a silent signal that you are approachable. I used to smile to my children and they like to talk to me. Don't always start the day with a stern face and make them feel like they're guilty. You are going to spoil their day.
So start smiling to every one. Smiling is the cheapest medicine to realise stress.