It takes wisdom to be a loser

To a friend I concern very much.....

Its easy to be a winner, but to be a loser, it takes wisdom. Once a leader whom I respected very much told me,her words has become a guide in my life as I always be a loser myself. Recently a friend faced this dilemma when he became a loser in the game of politic. He was in trauma, felt cheated, betrayed, angry and he believed he had been victimized by a group of people he once trusted. As a friend, nothing I can do to help except some words of wisdom to share.

Life itself is a game and each of us has a role to play. There is a law to abide, that is 'The law of nature'.The law says what ever begins will ends... in order to win, you must have 3 elements favourable : the right time, the right place, and the right people. Lack of one you will not win. In the case of my friend, he had both the right time and the right place but not the right people. Thus he didn't win. There's no need to give a tremendous explanation for all this. Blaming people wouldn't do any good nor change the situation. Life still has to go on. The facts is,politic is the most tricky game ever played in man kind . All the players want to win whenever there is a chance, there is no mercy.

If you want to play , you must enjoy the game. You must be prepared to lose. Politic game is like running in a RELAY TEAM , you are a team member. You may be the first runner but still you got to pass the baton to the next runner. And there goes with the 2nd runner till the last runner. You may be the best runner but you couldn't win alone, the team must win. You may be the fastest runner but if the team lose, you lose. When we were young, our teacher always talk about sporting spirit. Losing is not a big deal, you must have a sporting spirit. But my advice is if you cannot lose, better don't play the game.

Everything in the world has its price. When you were a winner, you became a public figure. Your life was no more solely yours to enjoy. You might think you gain a lot of things, but actually you lost many things too.You had no true friends, people wanted something from you. You had no time for the people you love, your life had been scheduled. You are not genuine, a lot of things done were for shows. You were burdened with people's problems. You had to be cautious all the times, of enemies attacked. You didn't sleep well .You were struggling inside you.You did so many things yet people were not thankful. You were tired and exhausted. This was the price paid for being a winner! May be being a winner you gain a lot of fortunes. And if you think the fortune can give you happiness, then you shouldn't be sad now. The fortune in fact can only engrave you towards greediness, which the Buddha said, is SUFFERING.

Now your baton had passed on to the other runner. How nice to be a free man. Just look at the people around you, how much they had suffered because you suffer. The people who never fail to support you, value you and love you. They deserved your attention more then anyone else .Always think good about people, then you would have no enemies. Be thankful to your friend who take over your burdens. Just let it goes, then you will be happy. Its the wisdom that make you a different person.

Smiling is the best medicine

I remember some one claims that smiling is the best medicine. When we smile, our hearts feel pleasant. If we start to smile to our colleagues, family and friends, everybody would smile back to us, thus everybody would be fonder, our relationships could be improved. The one who smiles a lot would definitely gain more friends. In school, we should start smiling too, especially to our students. Lets the students feel pleasant to come to school. The students who start the day pleasant may feel pleasant for the rest of the day. This may lead to less discipline problems. I used to experiment this to some stern looking students. I smile to them every morning. To my surprise they started to smile back every time they met me. I smile and greet my colleague, they too smile back and greet me. I always start my day feeling very pleasant, or at least if I encounter any problems at the end of the day, the problems would be less burden.
We always complaint about some of the students being rude to us, "They never greet us..." Why not we start smiling to them and greet them first, this is call teaching by role model. I used to smile to the students who came to see me and found that its easier to break the barrier between us.
Many parents complaint that they couldn't communicate with their children, especially the teens. My advice is why not you start smiling to them.Just look into their eyes and smiles. You'll found its easier to communicate. Smiles need not have a reason. Your smile is a silent signal that you are approachable. I used to smile to my children and they like to talk to me. Don't always start the day with a stern face and make them feel like they're guilty. You are going to spoil their day.
So start smiling to every one. Smiling is the cheapest medicine to realise stress.

I Came Back From Hell

This is a story about Kent. Kent was sentence to death for drug trafficking. Before, he was also involved in the bank robbery, gang fighting etc. But some how he was pardoned by DYMM Yang Di Pertuan Agong. After 12 years in jail, he walked out again as a free man , by then he was 36. Kent wanted to change when he came to see me, but this is the thing I failed to do unless his heart wanted to. He narrated his story which I think might be a lesson to be learnt by our parents and students today.
"My father was a drunker. When I was young, I remember he always came back drunk, beating my mother for no reason. I was beaten too. Every time I got beaten, I hated him. I was doing quite well in the primary school but my mother never encourage me to do better. As the only son in the family,she said ,I must came out to work earlier because my father was jobless. The family was too poor to support me. Somehow I pursued my secondary education. Due to my language barrier, I was slacking in my study. I must admit that I didn't work hard at all. I started to create discipline problems in school. I tried to influence some guys to join me. Secretly I am forming a gang in the school and I was the 'taiko'. In order to be more powerful, I looked for a bigger gangster group outside to get protection. Many students were afraid of our gang because we got them beaten outside the school if not obeying. I was the law breaker in the school. Not long after that when I was about to finish Form 3, I was expelled from the school. The last thing I did was scratching teacher's car and beat him in the class. I was happy to leave school then, at least I got the freedom and fresh air to breath rather than sitting in the boring classes. From then and onwards, I was doing work for the gang. Daytime I worked in my uncle food stall and at night I did everything my 'taiko 'ordered .That included gang fighting, drug selling, stealing motorbike, cars etc. Due to my bravery and loyalty I was promoted as 'yiko' (2nd brother) at age 17. I felt like a hero . Due to my age, I was given a task as a drug seller. Pub, night club, disco were the popular places where business was conducted. I remember one night when we were at the night club, I disturbed a girl . I didn't know she was some other 'taiko' s girl. That night, the other gang was surrounded me, my 'taiko' and other friends escaped and I was alone, beaten to near death. When I woke up on the hospital bed, my mother was beside me crying. Later I came to know that my gang had disowned me, they didn't want troubles from the other gang. They were much more powerful. I was disappointed over my gang who betrayed me, but at the same time I started to form my own gang. I was brave and fierce, not long after that my gang grew bigger. At age 20, I already controlled 50 members. From then, my life was never away from gang fighting, drugs, women, robbery, stealing etc. Very fast, I was tracked down by the police. To cut short the story, I was caught in the year 1993 and sentence to death penalty.
Life in the jail was a nightmare for me. Every single sound at night could shaken my soul for that could have been my turn . Many times I witness the convicts before me was taken to the gallery, dragged by the guards for they were too weak to walk. Each day approaching, might be the last day for me. When night shield, I would think of my mother. Oh how I hope my father could beat me again. I don't know how long time passes when someone came to break the news about my father's death. His eyes were open, they said, his last wish to see his only son was not fulfil. I trembled in grief , regrets came cutting into my heart and soul .The hidden hatred inside me reveal itself...whom I hated most is myself, I hated myself so much that I wish I could just die. I wanted to say sorry to dad, mum but it was too late...One day, I was told that I was pardoned by DYMM Agong. I knew I did not deserved this but here I am, coming back from hell..."
Kent is a special case, for not everybody is as lucky as Kent. There are some mistakes you shouldn't make in life, once mistake, there is no return...may see you in hell.

The Hungry Brain

Many secondary school students go to school without breakfast. They woke up just enough time to rush for buses which started to pick them at 6.30am. Upon arriving the school, they are just on time to start lessons. Some school started as early as 7.15am. The students were so used to this situation and had form a habit of not taking breakfast. When asked during my survey," I am not used to eating in the morning, I couldn't eat. " But the phenomena shown that most students without breakfast became worn out easily in the class. They are tired and sleepy. They couldn't pay attention to the teacher's teaching. At 10.00am, they are already craving to go out. Some would just walk out and loitering around the school, creating disciplinary problems. Though boredom may due to many factors but we couldn't deny that one of it may due to hunger. At the long run, the brain without nutrient may run out of energy, which directly affect their concentrations. Our Malaysian students are less lucky to enjoy good canteens whereby food are varieties and surplus. Most food sold to students are monotonous and less nutritious. I had seen a school canteen selling only 'nasi lemak' for the last six years. Some students dislike spicy food would even skip eating during recess unless their parents prepare lunch box for them. The worst time comes around 1.00pm to 2.00pm for those starving lots, they would be out of control because they wanted to go home as quickly as possible. That why they sneak out from classes or sneak out from school. The school at all ages trying to tackle discipline problems but if we fail to seek the cause, we are going to fail.

Spending Time with our children is Love

Someone send me an article which I find is very meaningful to share with others. Its about how we express love to our children, doing all possible things such as buying expensive toys, enroll them in all sorts of classes, equipped them with high tech equipments such as computer and hand phone etc to keep them occupied. By doing so, we think we had given them a head start with all the luxurious things and they are going to appreciate our love forever. But little as we know that the children filled with materialistic rewards couldn't feel the 'Love' we invested. I used to talk to the teens about how they feel about their parents; "I doubt if they ever love me, their friends are more important than me. Many times my dad just went off whenever his friends calls, but for me he always say 'no time'."

We always take thing for granted. When I was 30's and my eldest son was 13, I was working towards further my education to university and my son said this to me,"You are going to leave us when we need you the most, You may become somebody one day but what will we become. You wouldn't like your children to be nobody. " For this reason, I had postponed the idea and dragged on with my daily routines, spent most of the time with them. Apart from my career as a teacher ,I did nothing as a side job though our earning could barely survive. It was much more later when I was 43, I pursue my degree the same year my son entered university. The same year we graduated too.

Whenever I asked the parents whether they talk to their children, "Oh yes, of course, I always advice them a lot at the dinner table I said................" They always go on repeating every words they spoke to their children to me, if I don't cut in, it might take 1 hour to end the replay slot. The parents usually got highly inspired and drifted away when talking about their advices to their children. When finally I asked," Was it effective?" With eyes whithered, they said "No, they wouldn't listen." It must be something lacking in their relationship that cause this break down. Its the 'bonding' , there is no natural bonding between father and son, thus the father couldn't anyway reach the internal feeling of the children. And 'bonding' only build up through years of 'time' invested on them. Most of the time the parents spend with their children is used up in giving advices for things of the past, now and future. Though advices is necessary sometimes,but too much would be nauseous. The advices is only effective only when the parents be the role model himself. Parents advice their children not to smoke while they themselves do so. Parents want their children to read a lot while they themselves never read a book for years. Parents want the children to respect the elders while they themselves never have hearts for their own folks. Finally tons of advice has become nuisance sound that the children hated so much, whenever you started they want to fly off.

The children need time with you when their social skill start to develop. They want us to play with them, talk to them, laughing together, go outing and happiness together. As they grow older they want us to understand their needs, give them more privacy, cultivate their interests, build up their self confidence, encourage them and always be available whenever they need us. I used to take my children to go touring around during the holidays , and there I have my opportunity to build up our relationship, like I said ,the bonding. I listen to their stories and enjoy their jokes. We had great time together, a lot. During bad time whenever there's problem, I am sitting beside, holding his hand and lending my shoulder to cry. This is the time to give encouragement, not advices. Never overwhelm to protect them till you cannot tolerate their mistakes . Children learns from mistakes. Let you be the first person to go to whenever they have problems. Don' try to solve every problems they have, sometime they only need a listening ear.

So its worth to invest our time in them. Let them feel that they are more important compare to your friends, your business and anything else in this world. I know everybody love their children , but if the children couldn't feel your loves, you have to think another way out. Some parents took short cuts by just scolding them for being ungrateful to their love. But whats the point, they want the thing that you couldn't give them, that's the TIME.

Poverty

Nirmala was absent from school several times. I decided to pay her a visit to find out her problems. This was what I saw as I open the pot, its only chili water to drink for her lunch. She had not eaten rice for the last two days. There's no more rice left. Her mother left her and ran away with another man since she was four. Her father, a drug addict, seldom home. The father had sold off most of the things at home for money. The house was empty. Nirmala, though not excellent in academic but she was a good student. "I always hungry teacher." She lives with her grandmother who is 65 years old, still working as a sweeper for RM15 a day. But most of the time she was sick at home. This kind of agony is common among our poor students in Malaysia. Poverty is the main reason why they are not excellent in school. They are the neglected group. I tried to reach for aids from varies organizations. Now Nirmala is still schooling , not giving up though the life is tough for her. "Through education, you can change your fate," I always tell her.